A Wounded Heart

A heart of grief.

My family experienced another loss last week. This time is was my last living uncle. Since December 2018 my husband and I have attended the funerals of seven family members. A mother (me), two sisters (one for each), two uncles (me), two cousins (me).  That is a whole lot of grief to process.

At some point last week, I started thinking about grief. It is a common human aspect we all experience, in all its varying degrees. What does grief look and feel like for you?

If I am being honest, and I am, I know for myself I have not finished processing the loss of my mother and sister. This does not mean that extended family are not included, it simply means there has been no time to stop and reflect.

But reflect, we must. Unprocessed grief is going to show up elsewhere if not dealt with. It refuses to be denied or forgotten. As for how that works, I cannot say for anyone but myself.

It can be the smell of cake baking, perfume, or reading in an old journal left behind. It can also be a story reshared for the umpteenth time. Many stories were shared as a family last week. Through these stories, the person missing is back in our midst if only for a moment. That is comforting. 

If proper care is not given to the stages of grief, a numbness can take over. It is easy to be fooled into believing you are past the emotional hurt of loss. Evidence can present itself at the most inopportune times. Like when you see a sad commercial or drop a glass of milk. You find yourself crying like it is the end of the world. Dabbing your eyes with tissue, you ask yourself what in the world is going on? 

Time is another factor. How long should you grieve? Six months? A year? We must move on with life, granted, but the timing is different for everyone. That is something only an individual can figure out. Personally, it is no one’s business how long you take. The important thing is that you take it. Allow yourself a break. Be kind and gentle. Our heart is worth the time, so is the memory of our loved one.

Some people find being with a group of people who have experienced grief helpful. If that is your thing, do it. Others prefer to grieve quietly, without a lot of people involved. There is no right formula. 

What I do know for certain is what NOT to do for a grieving person.  People mean well and struggle to know what to say to comfort the grieving person. We thank you, but please stop doing the following things:

1. Please do not say “It’s God’s will.” Really? I refuse to believe God’s will is for people to suffer and die. The grieving person does not want to hear that God had anything to do with the soul-crushing pain they are feeling. Stop saying that.
2. Be cautious in saying, “Well, at least they are no longer suffering.” IF the grieving person says it, agree. If they do not, do not say anything, or simply say I love you.
3. If the grieving person responds they do not need anything, take them at their word. Do not call expecting to talk, do NOT drop in unexpectedly. Respect the person’s need to gather their emotions and the time to be alone. If they need you, they will let you know.
4. Do not expect the grieving person to jump back into life after a week or two. Let the grieving person decide when it is time. If you feel the need to do something, send them a card. You can let know you are thinking about them and are available if needed.
5. Instead of trying to fill the air with talk, sit beside them and hold their hand. Sometimes the best help is your physical presence.

The wounded heart will heal in time. It will never be the same heart, but it will be stronger, wiser, more grateful. In the meantime, we take it one day at a time.