Secret Sins

Life in a small town runs at a different pace than that of a larger city.  It’s like the lone farmer on his tractor methodically ploughing the field for planting. Never in a hurry but row-by-row the earth is systematically turned over in neat, precise hills. Eventually, the seeds are sown and thus begins the watch for growth. It’s a dance between man and nature.  Too much water, the vines will rot.  Too little water and the vines will shrivel. What nature refuses to provide; man must fill the void. The hope is a plentiful harvest and a blue ribbon at the county fair.

My youth was marked by the smell of fresh plowed earth, honeysuckle, and the dos and don’ts of being a girl. Your female education begins early starting with your mother and continuing with the church. Girls learn that life requires a different set of rules than those of boys.  The first lesson girls learn is that appearance is everything.  You learn to dress a certain way, speak with respect to your elders, and your reputation is considered a badge of honor that you carry high until the day you die.  For a girl, it is the most important thing you have to offer. Depending on how well you honor your reputation will mean how society views you going forward. Do not pass Go or collect $200. It has always angered me that boys seemingly get a pass.  Advance to Boardwalk. “John likes the ladies a little too much, but he is a good provider.” Men can behave as poorly as they like, and everyone will look the other way because they were born into a secret society where only men are allowed. Let a women misstep and she is marked for life. It doesn’t matter that usually a man fully participated in the offense.  Immediate actions are set into motion to shove all evidence of the offense as far back into a dark closet as possible, slam the door, and throw away the key. It never happened, and we certainly do not talk about it.

It wasn’t until I was an adult, living on my own, that I realized the skeletons in our closet may seem hidden, but someone somewhere knows the truth. Secrets may seem forgotten and even forgiven, but it’s always right under the surface.  Eventually, the door to the closet is bound to be jerked open and there is no way the skeletons will ever fit back into that closet.  This is the story of Sandy’s secret.

Okay, actually it wasn’t.  I’ve changed her name to protect her identity.  Even now in death she still needs protecting.  She’s always needed protecting.  The solace she tried to find at the bottom of a bottle finally proved itself a worthy candidate.  They found her three days after she died lying across the foot of her bed where she had kicked her shoes off and crawled into the middle of the bed, pulling her grandmother’s wedding ring quilt around her.  She had given it to Sandy as a wedding gift when she married Greg.  That was years and bottles ago now.  My mother told me about the write-up in the Mason Review on one of my weekly phone calls.

I remember a girl with curly red hair and warm brown eyes.  She was one of the many teenage girls that descended on our house on Friday nights for a sleepover with my oldest sister, Wendy.  I was three years younger and just a pesky kid who wanted to hang out with the older girls and listen to the latest album on our living room stereo.  Wendy always shoved me out of the way.  “GET out of here and leave us alone or I’m gonna tell Mama.”  Even now I can remember her impatience with me to leave the room.  Sandy was always the one that came to my defense.

“Let her stay Wen.” She’d pat one of the many quilts they had spread on the floor motioning for me to sit beside her.  I thought Sandy was the best thing since Coca Cola.  I put on my first shows during those Friday night sleepovers.  By the time I was fourteen I could play and sing every word to Carole King’s “Tapestry” album, always prompted by Sandy to sing for them.  The seed was planted then to one day become a singer/songwriter and move to the city to get my music heard.  I guess I can thank Sandy for that.

That was forty years ago.  We’re all women in our 40’s and 50’s now.  Our paths have been scattered to the wind, living life, and finding our place.  My path led me to Nashville as a songwriter. Others have been very lucky with families and careers to show for their efforts. Many are like Sandy, still searching.

I wrote a song about her several years ago called “Hey, hey, Little Girl” that got picked up by one of the Nashville acts, but I have not seen Sandy or most of my sister’s friends since they were in high school. Last I heard a few years back, Sandy was living in Maryland, married, and working as a computer analyst for a prestigious company out of Baltimore.  I was shocked to hear from my mother that she had stumbled upon personal issues, divorced, and had moved home to our hometown of Mason a couple of years ago after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Everyone talked about how brave she’d been through all the rounds of excruciating chemo which didn’t seem to do anything but ravage her body.  On top of that horror, she watched all her beautiful red hair fall out in large clumps.  The doctors said she was in remission but suddenly there was her obituary in the Mason Review.  Mother mailed me a copy that I still have. I cannot believe she is gone.  Was it really the cancer that got her or did her secrets finally swallow her whole?

Sandy fell in love with Danny Wayne Shepard the summer right before she turned seventeen.  The two were inseparable much to her mother’s chagrin.  Lucinda Woods always acted like she was better than everyone else.  I never liked her.  She’d show up for school functions dressed to the nines.  She went out of her way to make sure the other women knew where she had purchased her latest dress or that she was driving a brand-new car from Stedman Motor’s out on the highway.  She’d giggle that fake laugh and flip her hair over her shoulders.  My mother who did not have it in her to say a bad word about anyone always smiled politely and defended her to the other ladies.  “Now girls, you know Lucinda had a hard time growing up.  She’s just proud of Leon’s accomplishments.  We should be proud for her too.”  But everyone knew she was really a stuck-up bitch, and my momma was just too nice to admit it.  It was a common fact that her parents had been sharecroppers in the 20’s and 30’s and that her daddy was a mean drunk and beat her momma.  So there really was no need of putting on airs.  Her greatest accomplishment was marrying into the wealthy Woods family.  Leon Woods was 6’2, handsome with a bright future before him as an attorney.  He thought Lucinda Dale was the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid his eyes on.  He finished law school the year they married and started a small-town practice.   Yet despite her snobbishness, it was hard to deny she was a lovely woman with jet black hair and dark eyes, and she birthed three beautiful daughters all with her good looks.  Once the girls came along, Lucinda was involved in the Lions Club, the Junior Auxiliary, and the Mason Garden Club along with any other social event that hit Mason’s social season.  She had high aspirations that all three girls would have their coming out parties and marry well to continue her tradition of being a proper, southern wife, married to a wealthy, upstanding southern gentleman.

Laney, Sandy, and Jeannie were all popular in their own ways.  Laney was head cheerleader and president of the Honor Society at Mason Academy, the only private school in the area.  A few years later Jeannie followed in her footsteps by being head cheerleader as well as Homecoming Queen.  Sandy wasn’t as interested in sports and social activities as much as she was in books and music.  She was in the band and starred in several productions of the Thespian Club.  It was her interest in politics and music that drew Danny Wayne to her.  His family were farmers and could not afford the high tuition of Mason Academy, so he went to the county school, but they did attend the same church, Mason First Baptist.  He had watched her from afar for years at all the youth activities and parties. He knew his social standings were not in line with Lucinda Woods’ plans but every chance he got to be around Sandy, he took.  She loved his laughter and easy manner.  She felt immediately he was someone she could trust to be herself around.  She never felt like she fit in like outgoing Laney and Jeannie.  He actually listened when she spoke.  It didn’t take either one of them long to fall head over heels.

The weekends could not come fast enough.  He’d make plans to pick her up in his old pick-up truck after school on Friday and they would ride out to Mason’s mini version of the Grand Canyon, Red Bluff, and hike to the bottom to the river that flowed through Mason.  Sometimes they would skinny dip in the cool, refreshing water and then dry themselves on the big rocks by the banks of the river and talk about the war in Vietnam or their plans for the future.  This was their senior year of high school and planning for the future was exciting and full of hope.  After, they’d drive back into town and share a greasy hot cheeseburger at Ms. Betty’s Dairy Dip.  She made the best burgers in town and the parking lot would be packed with other friends laughing the night away. Danny Wayne, or DW as friends called him, had never been happier and Sandy walked around on a cloud.

Everything was going perfect until Sandy realized she had missed her period.  They were always so careful, so she was shocked when she realized how late she was.  Over-the-counter pregnancy tests were new and available, but if you were a teenager, the minute you left the store, the pharmacist would phone your parents, so she prayed and crossed her fingers that she was just late from all the stress of school and senior year activities.  When she started having morning sickness, she knew beyond a shadow of doubt she was pregnant.

Tears streamed down her face as she told Danny Wayne on their Friday night date.  They sat in his old pick-up in their usual parking spot behind Ms. Betty’s Dairy Dip. 

“Sandy baby, it’s going to be okay.  We love each other and we’ll just get married.  We were planning on getting married after school anyway; we’ll just move those plans up a bit, that’s all.  This baby will be so loved, and he or she will be a little bit of me and you to carry on our love.”  Danny Wayne pulled her close and stroked her face as he talked.

“Oh DW, I really wish I could believe that but you’re dreaming if you think this is going to turn out okay.  My mother is going to kill me, and my daddy is going to kill you”, she cried into his shoulder.

“Well…we’ll tell my mom first.  My mom’s great.  She’ll understand and help us convince Mr. Leon and Ms. Lucinda that we need to be together and raise our baby as a family.  You’ll see it will work out!  I love you, Sandy.  Please tell me you’ll marry me and have this baby together?”  He looked pleading into her eyes.  It was one of the many reasons she loved him, his unwavering belief that love truly conquered all.  Sandy wasn’t so sure she could share his enthusiasm.  She knew her mother better than anyone and grandchild or no; this was not going to go well.

“DW, I do love you; you know I do.  And I will marry you but you’re eighteen and I’m seventeen.  We haven’t even graduated high school.  How will we live?  What about college and all our plans?  Is marriage and a baby really in the picture at this point in our lives?”

He pulled back frowning.  “So, what are you saying, Sandy?  You’re not thinking about doing something terrible are you?  I mean, you’re pregnant.  We didn’t mean for it to happen now, but we said we wanted kids.  So, we’ll just have one sooner than we planned.  Promise me that you won’t do something stupid just to satisfy your domineering mother!”

They had never had a real argument before but something in the way he sneered when he said, “domineering mother” hit a nerve with Sandy.

Pulling away she said, “Look – I know you aren’t crazy about my mom, but you must understand her.  She had a tough time as a kid and she and my dad have worked hard to have something and provide for me and my two sisters.  She just has big dreams for all of us – that’s not a bad thing.  I mean we must be realistic, DW.  I’m seventeen – I’m not ready to be a mom.  Can you really say you’re ready to be a dad at eighteen?”

Straightening in his seat, he grabbed hold of her hands.  “Listen baby, I’ve already thought this out.  We can live in Gramp’s old worker’s house for starters.  Daddy has always said he’d fix it up when the time came, and I wanted to get married.  You can fix it up, build bookcases for all our books and albums and there’s even room enough for the baby to have his or her own space.  I can work with Dad on the farm.  He’s been complaining about needing some full-time help, anyway, might as well be me!”

Despite herself a smile crept on her face, “And what will I do all day while you are out working the land?”

“Well, you’ll take care of Danny Wayne, Jr., of course!”

Sandy laughed for the first time all evening, “Oh so you already know it’s a boy, right?”

“Heck honey, boy/girl – I don’t care as long as it’s healthy and we’re together.  After the baby’s born you can take your GED and finish up school and as soon as we’re on our feet, I’ll take mine.  Who knows?  Maybe we’ll get to a point where we can move to Johnson and take some classes at Miller’s University or something.  Sandy, this can work!  Please let me tell Mom and Dad and we’ll schedule a time to tell Leon and Lucinda.”

Biting her lip, she dried her cheeks and looked over at him.  She loved him so much.  For the first time since realizing she was pregnant, she began to feel a small glimmer of hope that things could actually work out.  Surely if her mom saw the support they had from Danny Wayne’s parents, Jack and Geraldine, then maybe she would realize things weren’t as bad as they seemed.  If only.

At first Geraldine Shepard hit the roof when Danny Wayne broke the news to her standing in their kitchen.  “Son did it never occur to you to keep your pecker in your pants before you graduated high school?  Now what’s to become of you?  A baby!  You’re just a baby yourself.  How in the world do you think you’ll be able to support yourself, a wife and baby?  Dammit son, I love Sandy too, but this is a nightmare!  Do you have any idea the kind of woman Lucinda Woods is?  I’ve known her since school and let me tell you, that woman is vicious when it comes to anything to do with something she feels she owns.  Trust me, she isn’t going to handle this graciously.  There’s something gone cold in that one.  Poor Sandy!  Poor you; Dammit son!” Geraldine slammed the kitchen cabinet she had opened.

She dearly loved her son and knew his heart was honorable, but she also knew he’d be no match for Lucinda Woods once she set her mind to things.  However, she knew that if her son put his mind to something, he would make it happen.  She trusted her son, but she did not trust Lucinda farther than she could spit.  She had looked down on Geraldine and Jack as though they weren’t fit to be in the same air space as her and Leon Woods.  Leon was a kind, generous man.  She always felt sorry for him.  He rarely said anything in public but always smiled and was so gracious. Sandy was a lovely girl and she felt heartbroken for her, but she knew in her heart this was not going to turn out good for anyone, least of all her lovable son, Danny Wayne.  One thing was certain, Geraldine would do what it took to protect her son from any attack from Lucinda Woods and she was also certain that Lucinda would pounce the minute she got the news.

“Mom?  Won’t you and Dad help us?  Please?  You know I can make this work out okay for us and think of that beautiful grandbaby you’ll get to spoil.  Please?  Won’t you help us talk to Lucinda and Leon?”  Danny Wayne was so like his Daddy, full of hope and determination.  Danny Wayne had always managed to tug on her heart since he was a small baby.  He could look at her with those big blue eyes and there was no way you could deny him.

Sighing heavily, she pulled her son close and hugged him tight.  “Alright son, we’ll talk to them but don’t expect a miracle.”

“Yes!  Give me a high five!” Danny Wayne yelled as he twirled her around the kitchen.  “Thanks Mom!  You’re the best!  I knew you’d see it my way!”  Laughing she slapped him away as he deposited her back on the floor.  She hoped like hell something good would come out of this but the knot in her stomach warned her otherwise.

                                                                                                **********

The Saturday afternoon they decided to gather at the Woods’ home there was still a slight chill in the spring air.  The crepe myrtles that lined their drive had just started to bloom.  Geraldine couldn’t help but think that their place looked like something out of a magazine.  When she wasn’t involved in some committee meeting, she was out in her garden planting and making sure everything was manicured perfectly.  Their Greek Revival home built by Leon’s great grandfather wasn’t a mansion, but it was close enough for folks in the Mason community.

Sandy was nauseous as she readied for the Shepards to arrive.  She dropped everything she touched until Jeannie asked if she was okay.  Sandy had not even told her two sisters she was pregnant for fear they’d cave and tell her parents before they all had a chance to work things out.  Laney was very close to her mother and shared everything with her.  She was always the one that told on Sandy and Jeannie when they were little girls.  She was usually the one who talked them into doing things they knew were trouble and then at the first sign of getting caught Laney would run to their mom and rat them out. 

She saw Danny Wayne’s dad pull into their drive.  Fear clutched at her heart.  She had to sit on the edge of the bed for just a few minutes to steady herself.  Her secret would soon be out in the open for better or worse.  She had been in knots for the past three weeks going over and over in her head what she’d say, how she should react.  No scenario ever formed for Sandy to feel as if this could turn out the way she hoped.  She brushed her hair one last time and applied her favorite pink lipstick.  She knew it wasn’t going to be an easy afternoon, but Danny Wayne and his parents would be there for support.  She had no way of knowing the current of change about to envelope her teen-age world. 

Would Sandy be able to live with the outcome of decisions that were about to be made?  These many years later, I wish I could ask her, but my questions will never be answered now.