What of Death?

What of death? Do you think about it? Have you experienced the death of someone you loved? Are you afraid of it?

Heavy questions for a Tuesday morning. Last week I did not have proper time to sit and form a blog worthy of posting. Being in the middle of a work project along with several side projects at home has kept my schedule very full.

I was saddened to hear from a close friend that her father passed away on Friday, February 16. Bedridden with congestive heart issues, he had recently taken a turn for the worse. She let our group of friends know that his service would be the following Tuesday.

Over the past fourteen years since returning to Mississippi, funerals have been frequent events. It is what happens as we age. Our grandparents and parents are beginning to leave us, and we realize that we are now moving up in the line.

Death has seemed a constant since early in my life. My only brother died in November 1969, at the age of eighteen. I turned four in January, and he would have been twenty also in January. The day of his funeral is still very vivid in my mind and his void shattered our family.

Since then, I have seen my paternal grandmother, both my parents and my oldest sister die. Countless other relatives and very dear friends. It’s painful and hard — one of life’s greatest pains. Yet, here is what I have learned while standing by the casket or attending a memorial – I am no longer afraid of death.

I have survived three cancers and countless other ailments in my fifty-eight years. Chances are, I may not get to live to old age, but I do intend to enjoy each moment I am granted. In my younger years, I was convinced I would die young like my brother, Terry. As I matured, I began to look closer at death and wrangle the hugeness of what it means and how I want to respond.

For me, I realized that it would always feel scary like peering into a black abyss. Only until we face our fears can we release their hold over us. Given my frequent brush with the prospect I figured I needed to try to tackle this fear earlier rather than later.

I was raised Christian. In our faith, we believe our souls never die and if we know Jesus we will go to heaven after we die. Some folks believe in reincarnation. Others think this is it – nothing comes after. Christian as well as other faiths believe if you do not live a good life here, you will pay for it in a hellish existence for all time.

The over-arching agreement in all faiths it seems is that our souls do not die – only our physical bodies. So, if that is true, then why do we fear it? Or is it we cannot separate our soul from a physical body?

I know there are many answers that can be argued, but I believe death is a slight pause in the cycle of our soul – like blinking an eye. Why then should I be afraid? If I know in my heart that a God of love is there who provided me grace, mercy, and forgiveness, what is there to fear?

The unknown and I would also argue the fear that we got everything wrong. Did I believe correctly? Enough? How will I get there? Will I have to suffer bodily pain?

We humans want to know what is going to happen minute-by-minute and especially in our country, the need to be RIGHT. We love being in control, or at least fooling ourselves into thinking we are in control and have it all figured out. I am right and you are wrong. 

This past Thursday would have been my oldest sister’s 72nd birthday. She died in 2020. I miss her so much. She experienced much trauma in her life – our whole family has. Sadly, in her case, it manifested itself in ways that further damaged family relationships.

I moved to Nashville in 1987 to be closer to her, at her encouragement. A gift I will always cherish. She could be challenging but I never doubted her love for me, and over the years I was able to see through the wall of pain to her goodness.

I know that my relationship with her was very different from other family members. Therefore, I understand that it is hard sometimes to miss someone whom you did not have great memories with. My wish was that they could have known her the way I got the chance.

So, Tuesday I watched my friend say her physical goodbye to her dad. I know her heart is heavy right now. Then Thursday, I spent the day remembering my sister and our crazy times together.

The good news is that death only separates us physically. Our connection is still there. They live still – somewhere we have not seen or experienced yet. For right now, they visit us in our memories, dreams, and hearts.

Do not fear death, my friends. Fear living a life of anxiety and worry. Fear living life small and missing out on God’s wonderful gifts. Fear living in opposition with your fellow humans. Fear settling for a relationship or job (or whatever) that does not fulfill you.

Death will come to us soon enough. For today, live in the present moment. Look around and see the good that exists, and here is my biggest point of all – goodness is there for YOU. Not just a few or those who think they got everything right, but ALL.