Siitting on the Throne

It is well documented that Jasmina Eustace Howard is a southern woman with style and decorum. With her diligent guidance, the Eustace family upheld their familial obligations. It was a thorn in her side to have little influence over the Howard’s. She married Putt Howard knowing that his family was rough around the edges. Certain she could help raise him to a status to be proud of. Putt knew he was fortunate ‘marrying up,’ but tried to warn her about the Howard clan. It wasn’t until their wedding reception that she understood his warning. The term ‘rough’ was being very generous and Christian-like.

Putt Howard had two brothers and two sisters. His brother Hilton, who everyone insisted on calling Hilly was in the Navy. Living on a ship had developed a love of drink and cards. The minute he hit dry land somewhere, he was visiting the local bar hangout and looking for a card game. Every blue moon while on leave, he would come through Colony and visit family. He usually stayed with his mother, who lived next door from Putt and Jasmina. He did this to stop their mother, Lila Mae from fussing, plus it was a free hotel with meals included. He would breeze over to Putt’s house long enough for Jasmina to fix him a southern feast. Afterwards, he would spend the rest of his day and evenings in Mills, the county over where the Howard’s were from.

The Howard’s were a family of men. None of them were what you’d call career minded, but they were industrious and made a career out of making money with the least amount of work possible.  This meant they were always ready to shoot the breeze and enjoy a toot of whiskey.  A visit from cousin Hilly was the perfect excuse to relax and listen to his many far-fetched stories. 

Grandpa, Buck Howard, was famous in Mills County for his whiskey making abilities. He had at least a dozen illegal stills hidden deep in the hollers, always in a constant state of production. Buck Howard was not only industrious but cunning. He provided free ‘party beverages’ for the local law enforcement jamboree every July. This generosity allowed his operation to flourish without fear. He even left in his will that the law enforcement of Mills County was to enjoy a lifetime of beverages. If asked, he would reply that he was a farmer, which he was. He grew enough corn to keep the stills going year-round. 

Hilly’s favorite two cousins were brothers, Levon, and Willie Alvin Howard. Levon was the town plumber, and Willie Alvin was a used car salesman. The three were thick as thieves as children, and age did not change their fondness for one another. The two lived vicariously through Hilly who inherited the Howard gift for tall tales. At one point, Hilly proclaimed to have seen battle both in the Pacific, and Atlantic three days later. If anyone ever thought of the improbability, no one mentioned it. Putt nodded and smiled, but Jasmina rolled her eyes knowing he was making up half the tales he would come home with.

On one Christmas visit, the three cousins gathered as usual. They played cards long into the night. Spirits flowed, as did the stories from the high seas. Hilly’s ancestors also believed in ‘creative financing,’ and he was no exception. He devised a plan where he only paid for one night’s accommodation on weekend leave.

The plan was simple. Right before closing time, he would use the facilities. He’d settle in and sleep off the copious amounts of alcohol he had enjoyed that evening. This plan worked most of the time, but on one particular ‘sleep over’ Hilly’s luck ran out.

Hilly’s ship docked at their London base for the weekend.  He immediately went to his favorite English pub with some of his Navy buddies.  As usual he had one too many, but in keeping with his plan wobbled to the facilities right at closing time. He slept the night away, but not before passing out with his pants down.

The pub owner discovered Hilly the next morning, still sound asleep. What Hilly did not consider, was that the pub owner recognized him from the previous ‘sleep over.’ Catching on to the scam, the owner threatened to call the Bobbies if Hilly did not pay him the price of a room. Hilly launched into a sob story of having received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his sweetheart back home. Being overcome with grief, he drank a little too much and passed out to sooth his hurting heart. The thing was, he had already used that story the time before. He had not considered the pub owner would remember. Only after paying a room fee and promising never to return did the owner let him leave.

“Hilly, why do they call the law Bobbies?” Willie Alvin asked, taking another swig from the bottle he was working this way through.

“I guess because they wear them big ole tall hats that sort of bob when they walk. Silly if you ask me. A good ole baseball cap is much lighter on your head.” Hilly replied.

Levon, who had been quiet through the exchange, cleared his throat and leaned his elbows on the table. “Hilly, I have one question. What was it like sleeping in the toilet all night? Didn’t yo arse get cold?”

“I reckon,” replied Hilly, “but I was too drunk asleep to realize it. It ain’t much different than being in my bunk on the ship, come to think about it. Other than my pants down around my feet part, but it’s pretty tight in the bunks on the ship. I felt right at home.

After a little more thought, Hilly announced, “Yep, boys! When my time comes, don’t worry about no casket for me. Burn me and sit me in the head. I’ll be right at home.” Hilly laughed, slapping his knees. This got both Levon and Willie Alvin laughing harder.

Once again, Levon ever the more thoughtful, scratched his head. “Hilly, one more question. Why do you call the toilet, ‘the head?”

“Well boys, it is a scientific fact, that you do your best thinking while on the pot. Why do you think they call it ‘the porcelain god?’ All the great military generals plan their best strategic moves while asking the Lord for help – on the pot.  Get it? Throne – God – Head? Well known fact, right there.” Hilly puffed his chest out with pride.

“The only response I get for sharing my ideas is that I’m full of shit.” muttered Willie Alvin.

“Well, there you go! Proof you need to spend more time in the head conversing with the Lord!”

Over the years, Hilly came home less and less. Once he retired from the Navy he settled along the Gulf of Mexico. He was a regular at one of the many casinos that had popped up. He took a liking to one of the waitresses named Esther. It wasn’t long before the two was an item and decided to set up house together.

Esther was from Chicago and had moved to the coast as a military wife years ago.  The marriage ended but she decided the slower paced life was worth staying in Dixie for.  She wore her red hair in a beehive, loved costume jewelry and red lipstick. Hilly had finally met his match in Esther. The two spent hours laughing, drinking, arguing, and drinking a little more. Retirement was bliss until Hilly got diagnosed with diabetes.  This meant no more alcohol.

Hilly slumped into a deep depression. “What good is living if you can’t enjoy a little hooch?” he wailed every night at Esther. She had zero issues continuing to enjoy her dry martinis.

The less alcohol in Hilly’s system, the grumpier he got. Esther got tired of his constant complaining and packed all her stuff and left him high and dry.

When Hilly passed, Willie Alfred and Levon oversaw his arrangements. In memory of their many fun nights talking and drinking, they did exactly as Hilly had told them. They cremated him and then by the toss of a coin, Levon won the honor of taking Hilly’s ashes home.  He placed Hilly’s ashes on a shelf right above the commode in his bathroom.  At last! Hilly was sitting on the throne with the King.

Along with the bootlegging and creative financing, the Howards also argued. Someone always had hurt feelings somewhere. At the time of Hilly’s death, he had fallen out with his siblings for a couple of years.  They didn’t even know he had passed until months after.

Hilly’s youngest sister Tiggi lived north. She came for a visit once every year or so. While visiting Levon’s one summer, she excused herself to use the facilities. Levon’s wife, Mae was a wonderful cook and the two ladies always had fun talking about the latest recipes. After a pot of coffee, Tiggi’s bladder was calling.

She noticed a wooden box on the shelf above the toilet but didn’t think much about it. She did her business and rejoined Mae and Levon in the kitchen.

“Levon, before I forget, I want to put some flowers on Hilly’s grave while I am here.  Where is his plot? Next to Grandpa Buck?” Tiggi asked while she cut herself another slice of pie.

Mae crossed her arms and sat back in her chair, staring straight at Levon.  

“You don’t have to go to the graveyard, you can just leave ’em on the back of the commode.” Levon said avoiding looking at his wife.

Tiggi laughed. “Well, Levon honey, I didn’t know you were into floral arrangements, but I will get you one if it is that important to you.”

Mae continued to stare Levon down. He cleared his throat and responded, “Well Tig’s here’s the thing. Hilly isn’t buried in the family cemetery.”

Wiping her mouth, Tiggi looked up from her pie at both Levon and Mae. “What do you mean? Where is he buried?”

“You saw him when you went to the bathroom while ago.” Levon answered.

“Levon! You are not making any sense, what in the world are you talking about?” Tiggi demanded.

“Hilly told me and Willie Alfred when his time came to put his ashes in a box and set him in the bathroom.  It’s the head, you know, where God is.” Levon shrugged.

“WHAT??!!!  Levon Howard! Have you lost your ever-lovin’ mind? My brother’s ashes are in your bathroom???” Tiggi stood up and threw down her napkin. “Mae, is he telling me the truth?” Tiggi appealed to Mae who had continued sitting with her arms crossed.

“Why yes! Yes, he is, and I have told both him and that crazy brother of his that it is an abomination to the Lord Jesus on numerous occasions. I have stopped using that bathroom because it is NOT proper! Thank the Lord we have two bathrooms!” She sat back looking quite pleased that someone else agreed with her.

With her hands on her hips, Tiggi pointed her finger right in Levon’s face. “I am taking my brother’s ashes with me, and we will bury him proper in the family graveyard, do you understand me?”

Levon having been pretty unphased up to that point stood up, “Now wait just a dadgum minute. Tigs! Hilly asked me and Willie Alfred to take care of his arrangements, and we honored exactly what he said. You cannot come in here and STEAL his ashes. You wasn’t even talking to him when he died. I ain’t gonna let you!” Levon folded his arms and spoke straight into Tiggi’s outraged face.

“Well, I’d like to see you stop me!” Tiggi immediately turned and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. She grabbed Hilly’s box and began shoving it into her big carry bag. Levon was yelling and banging on the door.

“Tiggi Howard Tartwell, open this blasted door or I’m gonna call Sheriff Burns!”

With Hilly’s ashes finally installed in her bag, Tiggi threw open the door and called out to Mae. “Mae, I have enjoyed seeing you and that pie was divine.  I have to go now. I’m kidnapping my brother’s ashes. I will understand if you testify against me, but I know Jesus Christ is on my side!” 

Mae’s response was, “Run, Tiggi, Run!”

Tiggi started slinging her bag with Hilly’s ashes around, almost whacking Levon on his head.  He grabbed hold of one of the straps and the two settled into a tug of war. Mae decided to have another cup of coffee.

Tiggi held tight long enough for Levon to tire. The minute he let go Tiggi was out the door and in her car. She screeched out of their drive as Levon called the Sheriff’s office.

“Sheriff? This here is Levon Howard and I want to report a robbery!” 

Mae shook her head. She was long acquainted with the Howard family arguments. She reached for that last piece of pie while Levon told the Sheriff his cousin had stolen Hilly’s ashes.  “Tiggi was right,” Mae smiled to herself. “This pie is divine!”

Tiggi drove straight to Putt and Jasmina’s in Colony. She came in and plunked Hilly’s box of ashes in the middle of the dining table. 

“Putt Howard, do you know what this is?” Tiggi demanded.

“Uh….a wooden box?” Putt replied.

“Well duh, yes, it is a wooden box, but do you know who is in it??” Tiggi pulled out a chair and plopped down. 

Jasmina, ever the hostess, “Tiggi honey, would you like some coffee or a glass of iced tea?”

“Lord, no coffee, Jasmina, love. I just finished drinking a pot over at Mae and Levon’s.  I would take some iced tea, and if you have any of that coconut cake left, I’m simply famished.”

Looking back at Putt who was busy avoiding the situation, “Well?  Do you know who is in this box, Putt? Tiggi continued staring him down.

“Well, I guess it might be Hilly’s ashes, maybe??”

“You mean to tell me that you knew Levon had Hilly’s ashes sitting above his commode like a box of Kleenex? 

Putt eyeing Jasmina for some support, and getting none, responded, “Well, it came to my attention about six months ago. Jasmina and I agreed that we should let Levon keep the ashes all in the spirit of family relations. Isn’t that right, hon?” Putt looked over his shoulder at Jasmina who was busy cutting coconut cake.

“Um hmm…. that’s about right.” Jasmina commented.

“Well! I am appalled that both of you think this is proper and okay!” Tiggi stormed.

Putt threw his napkin down and leaned in. “Now wait just a minute, Tigs. I do not like it any more than you do, but Hilly asked the boys to take care of his arrangements.  If that is what Hilly wanted, who are we to dispute it?”

“Hilton Howard was a drunk, Putt, and you know it.  Who in their right mind would want to spend eternity above a commode?”  Tiggi stopped fussing long enough to take a bit of coconut cake. “Jasmina, darling, I swear every time I have a piece of your coconut cake, the angels in heaven sing. I do not let myself have sweets very often you know, but I always treat myself when I visit you and Putt.”

Jasmina knew well that Tiggi had enjoyed pie at Levon’s because Mae had asked to use her pecan pie recipe. 

About the time they finished cake, the dogs started barking outside. Jasmina glanced out the kitchen window and said, “Well, Sheriff Burns from Mills is in the driveway.  Putt, I expect you’ll need to step outside and handle this.” 

On his way past Tiggi, Putt said.  “You might as well come with me; you know he is here to talk to you.”

“Hmmph! Oh, I’ll come with you. Two can play that game. I’ll file my own complaint!” Tiggi stalked outside behind Putt. Jasmina cleaned up their dessert dishes and avoided touching Hilly’s box.  She didn’t want her fingerprints anywhere near it!

Jasmina decided to start prepping for supper. As she got to work, she heard Lila Mae Howard’s voice join in. Bless her heart, Lila Mae could not stand NOT knowing the latest gossip. If any situation arose within earshot or phone call, you could bet Lila Mae would hightail it across the yard to find out what was going on.

After about twenty-five minutes, Putt, Tiggi, and Lila Mae came in the backdoor.  “Well? Everything okay?” Jasmina asked as she was rolling biscuit dough.

“Thanks to momma, everything is dandy!” gushed Tiggi.

“OH, what happened?” Jasmina asked.

Putt came over and snuck a piece of roast resting on the stove. While he chewed, he said, “Well, momma hinted at what a shame it would be if everyone knew that the law received illegal goods.”

Lila Mae preened a little while Putt explained the outcome.

“Did she now? And what did Sheriff Burns say to that?” Jasmina inquired.

“He said that he didn’t care where Hilly’s ashes are just as long as his beverage supplier was happy.” Tiggi announced. Jasmina knew that even though the Sheriff was called off, this was not settled yet and said so.

Lila Mae spoke up for the first time. “I know exactly what we are going to do. Hilton was MY son, and a momma ranks over a first cousin any day of the week.  Putt, get me a Mason jar. Jasmina, give me a spoon.”

Everyone jumped to it. Once she had the jar and spoon, she grabbed the box from the center of the table and opened the lid. Out came a plastic bag full of what looked dirt. She calmly opened the bag and scooped out a couple spoonful of ashes into the Mason jar. She screwed the top on tight, closed the bag and stuffed it back into the box.

“Putt, take these ashes to Levon.” she commanded.

“Yes, Ma’am,” Putt responded by taking the jar.

“Tiggithia?” She shoved the box towards Tiggi. “Take the rest of these ashes and get down to Wheeler’s Monument and get a plaque ordered so we can get these buried like proper, God-fearing people.”

With that, Lila Mae addressed Jasmina, “Hon, if you don’t mind, I’d like my supper on a tray.  I am overcome with emotion from dealing with all these ashes.”  Out the backdoor she went.

Jasmina visits Hilly’s grave several times a year to place flowers on all the Howard plots. Anytime they visit Levon and Mae’s, she always uses Mae’s back bathroom.

Levon never got over Tiggi disturbing Hilly’s original burial place. Any new visitor got a tour of the ‘special bathroom’ where Hilly’s Mason jar of ashes was always on full display. Levon had also framed a photo of Hilly in his Navy uniform along with a sign that read:

“Here rests Hilly Howard.  Sitting on the throne with the Lord!”