The road to truth can be painful, but it will lead you to freedom.
Sandy, back at home with Leon and Lucinda, was surrounded by family once again. Laney and Jeannie were married with families of their own, but the two visited often. No one really mentioned that the cancer was very aggressive and not responding to the horrid chemotherapy. It made her violently ill, leaving her weak and exhausted. There was no longer time to drink and block it all out; the way she had handled her pain for years. Through it all, Lucinda was by her side. Slowly, they began to talk. With Leon’s gentle encouragement, Lucinda began to share the secret that she had spent years trying to hide. As Sandy listened to her mother tell her story, any animosity she still held inside simply disappeared. All that was left was sadness for the pain her mother endured. She held Lucinda’s hand while she told her everything.
Sandy cried while her mother spoke. When Lucinda finally stopped, Sandy asked, “Mom, why would you think any of us would think poorly about you? That horrible experience happened to both you and your mother. You were not responsible for any of that. It was just life happening. Why didn’t you tell me years ago when I was the one pregnant and unmarried? I would have understood. In fact, it would have been a comfort to understand WHY you responded the way you did. I thought you hated me.”
“Hate you? How can I hate my own flesh and blood? I was terrified that what I went through would happen to you, and I just couldn’t bear it! I am so sorry I did that to you. Please forgive me, Sandra!” Lucinda sobbed. She rocked Sandy in her arms as they both cried for what had been and what was lost. And just like that, all the pain from the past just floated away from Lucinda. She smiled more, laughed more. She became Sandy’s rock.
The two of them took little walks on the days Sandy felt strong enough, bearing their souls. It thrilled Leon to see the two of them together; grateful to see healing take place. At the same time, he was heartbroken knowing that Sandy would soon drift away from them. Life was so damned unfair.
********
Leon and Lucinda had planned a small weekend getaway to meet up with some business associates. They almost canceled the trip, but Sandy was insistent they go and that she felt well enough to be by herself over the long weekend. Reluctantly, they agreed to move forward with their plans, but asked Laney and Jeannie to be sure to check in on her. Both sisters called and asked if she needed anything. When she spoke to Laney she asked for a favor.
Laney was a bit blindsided, but responded, “Well sure, Sis…if you’re 100% sure?”
“I am,” replied Sandy.
“Okay, you got it. Let me know if you need anything else, okay? Love you.”
“Love you too.” Sandy laid back on her pillows and closed her eyes. It was the last thing on her list of ‘things to do before.’ She was not stupid; she knew the end was coming quickly. All the treatments, medications, the nausea, hair falling out, no appetite, all for nothing. Much of her life had been filled with worry and regrets. The two shining accomplishments were Danny Wayne and Grace. Always Grace. It was Danny Wayne and Grace that taught her real love, and grace that would welcome her into the arms of love when the time came.
She was in the sunroom when she heard his truck pull up in the driveway. Easing to the door, she was waiting as he walked up the sidewalk and stepped inside. It had been thirty years since they had seen one another. He immediately noticed how frail and thin she was. He could tell she was self-conscious about the scarf wrapped around her bald head. All that beautiful red hair, gone. All this flashed through his eyes as he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.
“Hey you.” He spoke.
“Hey you, back.”
They sat in the sunroom for a while and eventually moved into the kitchen where DW fixed them a coffee and raided the cookie jar. Just like old times, but not. They both caught up on things and he told her all about his wife, Joanne, and how she had helped bring him back to life. He stopped drinking and they had a successful goat farm. He had a bag of lotion and soaps for Sandy and Lucinda in the truck. It was good. Old loves who had shared a traumatic experience catching up on life.
“I still love you; you know.” DW said at one point.
“I know, and I still love you, but this is nice too.” Sandy smiled.
Turning serious, she began to talk. Despite his promise to himself, he felt tears rising behind his eyes. She spoke for a long time, and they held hands. When she was done, she pushed an envelope towards him.
“Are you sure about this? If I do this, there is no going back.” DW looked at her through hooded eyes.
“I’m sure.”
After he left, she felt something shift in her spirit. She was suddenly tired and headed to her room. A little chilled, she grabbed her granny’s wedding ring quilt and wrapped it around her. Flipping her shoes off, she laid across the end of her bed. As she dozed off, she thought she heard the pines rustling outside beckoning. She was barefoot, walking on the path and listening to the sounds around her; at last, she was surrounded by grace.
**********
Lucinda found her first after they arrived home to a dark house on Sunday night. Lady met them at the door whining. She called out to her, but in her gut she knew. Opening the bedroom door, she found her lying across her bed. She had a smile on her face as though she was dreaming a pleasant dream. Leon was still unloading the car when he heard Lucinda scream.
The day of her funeral was sunny with blue skies. Lucinda did not know how she was going to get through this, but thank God, Leon was there to walk with her. Losing a child is the most horrible pain a mother can experience. All she could think of was the pain that she put Sandy through to give up her child. She reckoned this was her penance for that sin, and for what? So that people wouldn’t talk because Sandy and DW were not married? They would have married if she hadn’t behaved so horrible. How foolish she had been. She had prayed more than once, “Lord, please forgive me. I promise I will never allow imperfections prevent me from living life out loud.” Leon walked up behind her and looked at her in the mirror as she put on her pearl necklace. “Sweetheart, it’s time.” She met his eyes in the mirror.
The church was full of people who had known Sandy all her life. It was overflowing with flowers and the ladies had out done themselves with a full banquet hall of food waiting for everyone after the graveside service. Everything was beautiful and so like Sandy. Lucinda and Leon sat between Laney and Jeannie, and they all held hands, cried, and laughed as different ones shared stories. Sitting across the isle was Jack and Geraldine, along with DW and his wife Joanne.
After the service, as they headed out into the sunny day without a cloud in the blue sky. Lucinda thought how like the day Sandy had been before she grew up and learned the hurt in life. As a child, she was always so sunny and happy with a smile on her face.
Drawing up to the freshly dug grave, Lucinda squeezed Leon’s hand tighter. The graveside is the hardest part. You know it’s coming but you keep thinking, ‘not now, not yet; just a little longer, please?’ Lucinda, who had a bunch of gladiolas from her garden, placed them on top of Sandy’s casket before they lowered it into the grave. She had helped Lucinda plant those bulbs in the corner bed when she was around 8 years old. Sandy always said they were her flowers since she helped plant them.
Just as they were turning to head back inside, Lucinda saw DW standing off to the side with a young woman who looked just like Sandy as a teenager. She clutched her heart thinking she must be hallucinating. Leon gripped her tightly and guided her to where they were standing. DW spoke first. “Mr. Leon, Ms. Lucinda, I’d like you to meet your granddaughter, Grace. The young woman stepped forward and smiled at the two of them. Just like that, it was young Sandy standing before them.
It can happen that way. What feels like the worst day of your life, can suddenly also be the happiest day of your life. At least that’s how Lucinda tells it. She lost a daughter, but regained a granddaughter that at one time, she tried to deny. Life is just this one big ole mixed bag of love, pain, joy, and suffering, shuffling back and forth.
After the initial shock, they all walked back into the banquet hall where their family and friends were waiting to break bread in honor of their daughter. Everyone just stopped and stared. Lucinda looked all around the room full of people. Some who liked her, many who did not, and the precious few that loved her. She asked Jack and Geraldine to join her and Leon. When both were in placed, she took Grace’s hand and announced, “Thank you everyone for coming together to help us remember and honor our darling daughter Sandy. We know she is watching and happy to see all of you. I’d like to introduce you to Grace. She is the daughter of Danny Wayne Shepard and Sandy Woods, and she is our granddaughter.”
Later, after all the excitement began to calm, Lucinda wearily leaned over to Leon. “Somehow, I feel like you had something to do with all of this.” He threw his head back and laughed for the first time in weeks.
“Well, there are advantages of being an attorney you know. I added a couple of conditions to the adoption that I would be allowed to know how Grace was doing over the years, that she would be told who her biological parents were and why she was placed for adoption, with the promise we would not interfere or make contact until she was the legal age of 21 – if she chose to meet us. It was Sandy’s idea. I just tidied it up a bit. Then, I gave Sandy the name of Grace’s adoptive parents so that when the time came, she and Danny Wayne would have the information. Apparently, according to DW, Sandy never opened the envelope. Instead, she held on to it and once she knew about the cancer, she decided to ask DW to contact Grace and invite her to be part of his life with Joanne after she was gone.” Lucinda was shaking her head in disbelief with more tears flowing down her cheeks.
“I will never stop missing Sandy, and I will always be grateful she and I had the time to understand one another better. We are blessed with three incredibly special daughters, aren’t we? But you…Leon Woods, you never fail to surprise me. Is there nothing you cannot not do?”
“Well, I have to take care of my girls!”
