“Grief is love with no place to go.” ~ Jamie Anderson
The Thing About Grief.
We are nine days from celebrating Christmas Day on the Christian calendar. It is a happy time to spend with family and friends, celebrating the birth of Christ. Right?
We have grown up with the preconceived idea that the holidays will be like a Norman Rockwell Christmas scene, with a Hallmark movie soundtrack playing in the background. Wouldn’t that be grand if it were a true representation?
Everyone would be happy and in love, a light snow falling on our homes decorated in twinkling lights. Our tables would be full of all the wonderful holiday recipes handed down from hand to hand. Every person would have a sparkly gift under the tree and there would be no wars, illness, or death.
Sign me up!
The fact is that life is not remotely like this at all. Recently, I had three friends who have lost their spouse/partner. The first was a former boss’ partner who died from injuries of a motorcycle accident a few weeks back.
The second is a dear childhood friend whose husband died suddenly last week of a heart attack. He left behind my friend and two grown children.
The third happened over the weekend. A former co-worker’s wife who had been battling stage four cancer since April ended her struggle on Saturday. She left behind two young children and my friend.
One death expected, the other two unexpected.
As I go about my own personal preparations for the holidays, my mind keeps coming back to my friends and their families. The void they are feeling. Their hearts are lost to the pain of grief, and all the holiday festivities only magnify this horrible loss.
This December 29th will be six years since my mother, Jimelle left us for glory. We had a nice quiet Christmas with her and then she was gone. There are times it still feels fresh, and then other times it feels like forever.
I had planned to write about another subject today, but my sorrow for these dear friends is strong. I wish there was something I could do to bring their loved one back. Some deed or word that would ease their pain, but no.
This leaves me to pontificate on the things I’ve learned about grief; my way of sending a nugget of comfort out into the stratosphere.
Number one: it does not consider a day on the calendar, your age, your circumstance, or if you are ready or not. Grief demands your immediate attention, and you can try to ignore it all you like, it will not be denied.
Number two: this is a well-documented topic that there are five stages to grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But there is a catch…you do not go through these five steps in consecutive order. You may battle the first four at the same time one day, and the next you are stuck with just one or two, and randomly. Any of the stages can come at go at will including acceptance, for as long as they like.
Number three: It does not have to be the void of a person. It can be the loss of a dream, personal independence, a home, a job, a pet. Grief is no discriminator of the physical or imaginable.
Number four: The act of grieving brings healing but with no set timing. It can and may take years. Even then, the void never leaves, you just learn to bear it. Not what anyone wants to hear, is it?
You may be like, “Wow, thanks Tracey. I feel so uplifted now after reading today’s blog. This is just the topic I wanted to read about the week before Christmas.” I know. I agree, but please, keep reading; here’s the take-away nugget. (You should know by now I will never leave you hanging.)
The most important thing about grief: A tiny kernel of hope lives on. It can even be the size of a teeny tiny mustard seed. Trust me, small seed but with a big return. (I can say this confidently because I’ve lived it.)
Through our tears, hope gets watered and begins to grow as we allow more and more light in each day. The first hours and days of grief are the darkest. No light can even penetrate the despair. This is when you just hang on and try to remember to breathe.
Then…
One morning the light begins to creep back in, and you sit up and look around. You realize it is spring, and flowers are blooming, or you see your missing loved one through the expression of your child’s face. A song, a movie, a place will take you immediately back to the time you were together.
As the days go by, more light illuminates your being; countless things will remind you of your loved one and suddenly, you stop. You realize you aren’t crying but smiling. Then you do start crying, but you also continue to smile.
My prayer for these dear friends, and many others I do not know, is that the smile through tears comes quickly. For others dealing with grief from illness, broken relationships, etc. call forward that seed of hope. It is there for you, also.
All my love, TH Countz
You did an awesome job of defining that there are many crayons in that box of emotions. Blessings of blessings, I did have a Norman Rockwell Christmas and Christmas season. Yes, with age losses accomulated, and become cloaked under the umbrella of Grief. I have learned to embrace it because in actuality I am missing something and so the pleasantry of what I am missing kicks the Grief Gremlins away.
Any who, my Friend, as always you did an A-1 job journalistic job.